Yesterday, things were fine, although I was feeling tired. I don't normally drink caffeine because it makes me shaky but puts me in good spirits. So instead of having a cup of caffeinated tea I had dark chocolate M&Ms. That was the beginning of the end. After several handfuls of them, I finished my fruit smoothie, which did not taste as delicious as before the candy.
Once I begin a binge, the eating is very frenetic. Since I know that I will try to start fresh the next day, I have to eat all of the things I couldn't have for the last weeks. McDonald's drive-thru, just cheeseburger and fries, no milkshake(I was being good), cookies at the grocery store, half a loaf of fresh Italian bread. I ate the cookies in the car on the way home. Ice Cream sandwich, while full.
I forced down a cup of healthy vegetable soup for dinner.
These binges satiate me, unlike healthy food. I can get really full and I like that feeling. I can actually stop thinking about food for awhile when this happens.
What triggered this binge? I don't know. I was having a fine day. I was a little bored. I am very industrious and don't like to feel tired. I exercise about 5 days a week, cardio, pilates, yoga and weight-lifting. PMS, unsure.
I think constantly about body image, I have never been happy with myself physically, even when I've been, in retrospect, very good shape.
It is the morning after. I am having a cup of tea and hoping I can get back on track...
The following comment is not from me but something I pasted in from an email from someone calling herself Marshmallow.
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This is fascinating...and also very sad as I could be writing it. This is
ReplyDeleteexactly me and it does seem to be getting worse as I get older. Sometimes I
just obsess about food. Its totally bizarre. I don't know if I told you
about this book, but I really did have some pretty good success with it.
Intuitive Eating by Tribole It is almost my most prized possession and I
reread it constantly. I try to live by it and the theory behind it is very
different from anything else I've read. This obsessive stuff and bingeing
is really caused by all of the diets and deprivation we have put ourselves
through. The more diets and constriction, the worse it gets over time.
Restricting your sugar is also a form of this. Reducing your sugar is
healthy, restricting it is setting you up for failure and then the cycle
begins AGAIN. I went to see a nutritionist/dietitian mainly because I was
desperate to stop bingeing (I know everything about nutrition, and then
some). She told me to throw out all of my diet books (of which I own
everything ever printed) and read this one book...nothing else. No more
diets, ever! I feel liberated when I can put these practices into place.
There are slips, and there will be, but it is such a sound and "normal" way
to live...and this is what I want. I want to be normal. I don't want to feel
controlled by food. It takes over me and I am powerless. I don't want to eat
in the pantry with the door closed and hide my wrappers down at the bottom
of the garbage can. I don't want to eat salads when I want a hamburger. I
want to eat a french fry and enjoy it without the guilt and without the fear
that I might eat the entire plate of fries. I don't want to plan binges. No
scales. On top of all of this, I have very grave stomach issues (of which I
believe I have caused by years of abusing my body with these binges...I have
never confided this to my Dr.). I have now also developed asthma... most
likely also due to the stomach problems. I am afraid that in the future I
will develop esophageal cancer from the constant reflux I have. I am scared
Cathy, but feel powerless like you do.
OA is very spiritual and I don't know that I believe a higher power is in
charge of my eating. This might be hard for me, but I too have thought about
going only because I am desperate.
Okay, whew, this was some purging (and rambling). We are really close
friends....because I have never told ANYONE any of this. If anyone can
relate to your pain, its me. This is my addiction or disorder or whatever
we want to call it. We could be in this together. I do better when I don't
think about food. No food planning or obsessing. I try to wait for the REAL
hungry signal (growling, etc.) to hit before I think about food. Of course
this is not always the case, but it is my goal. My goal is not to lose
weight right now. I just want to stop the our of control behavior.
Keep blogging. I'll be reading. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty.
Just know how much my story echoes yours.
Hugs,
Marshmallow